Monday, December 31, 2007

snap. (out of it)

What happened there?
One minute I was a grumpy, miserable sod, the next a woman with a positive outlook.
How did that happen?

Perhaps it had something to do with the death of Benazir Bhutto. When I read the news I sat at the computer screen stunned. Yes, her death seemed inevitable in view of her political stance, the social climate of her country and her insistence on jumping through the sunroof to wave at the crowd, but still. Here was a brave woman (faulty no doubt also - there's that little story of corruption, and I'm not personally convinced politics are important enough to leave your husband and impressionable teenagers behind in another country, though maybe in this case her cause was more important than family) standing for a value she believed in, razed by those who didn't agree. My grumblings seem insignificant in comparison.

My sudden change of heart could be related to the DVD Dad gave Frank and I for Christmas, 'indescribable' by Louis Guglio. We watched it the other night, and in view of the marvels of space, again, my petty complaints seem insignificant. There's nothing like a little bit of perspective to remind me I'm not the centre of the universe. Much as I would like to think I am.

Mostly though, it was God who changed my heart. I love that about God. Even when I'm spitting chips, in an angry rage, crippled by ugly selfishness, he responds to my feeble, grudging cries for help. Cries such as 'I don't want to change, I don't want to be less selfish, I don't want to forgive, I don't want to be humble... I can only ask that you please help me to want to change, help me to want to be different.' He always listens, he always fulfills his end of the bargain, he always changes me, and usually even more than I asked for. When I peer into my heart, not only do I feel a creeping softness of wanting to be humble... I am more humble (or perhaps you should ask Frank about that!); not only do I want to be loving rather than angry... my anger recedes as if red hot coals cooled by water (without the accompanying spitting of course); not only do I want to forgive... I can see the other person's perspective and understand why they said or did what seemed offensive. I find this transformation truly incredible. Of course I'm faulty and weak and I fail to hold on to the transformation for long periods, but still God comes again and again and does her quiet work deep in my heart. I love that about God.

And so I head into 2008 with a sense of a fresh start, with the humble awareness that God is at work within me, and the knowledge that I have a special place in the world, I am of value, but I'm not the centre of everything and neither should I be. My inner being is realigned. Peace has come.

Happy New Year. May this be a time of fresh beginnings for you also.

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At 6:57 am, January 01, 2008, Blogger Robyn said...

Happy New Year Cec! I'm glad that you're feeling more positive about things.

At 5:34 am, January 02, 2008, Blogger Deanna said...

I like so well how you say this, Cecily. What good words with which to start the new year. (Yesterday I thought about how you were already a year ahead of me! You're way ahead, I think.)

At 5:46 am, January 02, 2008, Blogger Dublin City Girl said...

Happy New Year, Cecily! Glad to have you back feeling more optimistic.

At 10:24 am, January 02, 2008, Blogger Sandy's Notes said...

I love this post Cecily. Thanks for writing it.


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