Tuesday, December 11, 2007

come satisfy my thirsty heart

I was listening to worship music yesterday in an effort to overcome the grumps that have plagued me for several days. To my shame I almost succeeded in picking that fight with the neighbour when I hurled abuse over the fence under the guise of talking to the sheep she had locked up in her cement yard. (Poor things, they bleated to Frank and I for two days before she let them out) At the time I was secretly proud of my bravado. Now I'm desperate to hide the darkness of my heart. Or let God expunge it, which is probably the better option. Thus the worship music.

As I listened a few lines jumped out at me: "Oh, Christ be the centre of our lives/be the place we fix our eyes/be the centre of our lives" and "Breathe on me now as I bow down/I'm desperate Lord for more of You/come satisfy until I/am even more in need of you".

The words struck me as bordering on the ridiculous. "Christ be the centre of our lives"... how can Christ be the centre of my life unless I let him, unless my actions make him the centre? "Come satisfy until I am even more in need of you"... I suspect God wants nothing more than to satisfy. If I would just sit still and drink him in.

I had to stop singing along, for when I looked into my heart I saw only myself as the centre of my life, yelling at my neighbour over the fence, grumbling at Frank when he didn't do exactly as I wished, miserable when someone let me down; and myself rushing about so frantically that God couldn't get a drop of his thirst quenching love into my mouth if he tried.

What point singing the words if they are null and void in light of my actions?

I'm tired of being grumpy. I'm tired of being my own centre of my life. I'm tired of being busy all the time. I seriously need to sit with God and let him be my centre.

Now there is satisfaction.

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At 4:36 am, December 13, 2007, Blogger Robyn said...

Seems very much like a "where angels fear to tread" circumstance so I'm going to limit my comments for all your most recent posts to wishing I could see you in real life, have a coffee and give you a hug. When are you next up this way? I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I love you and I'm praying for you.

At 3:50 am, December 14, 2007, Blogger Deanna said...

Dear, dear Cecily, I so appreciate you sharing where you're at. May I suggest, from my perhaps slightly whacked theology, that Christ (via his teachings) is precisely at the center of a life willing to look at ugliness and not run from it. Crying out to God is what Christ seemed to urge us to do. There was this tax collector, who beat his bosom in the synagogue...and he went home justified in God's sight.


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