just in case you aren't consuming enough already (aka 'we know you're stupid and will want to buy this')

Christmas must be just around the corner... our letter box is literally stuffed with catalogues every day. I must put that 'no junk mail' sticker out, although the depressing thing about that is, even if I do, the trees have already been chopped down and the catalogues printed. Sigh.

I don't even look at most of them - straight to the recycling bin they go - but a couple recently came personally addressed to me, and I found myself flicking lazily through them.

There's some winning items out there, some designed specifically for me I'm sure. I mean, how did they know I can't reverse park? This parking sensor is exactly what I need - when I get too close to a car or gate post it will alarm loudly enough for everyone in the street to hear, and then they can guide me safely into the space. Perfect.

And this one. A dental care set? I don't ever have to visit a dentist again? I can do it myself with the aid of three simple tools! Genius. How come I never thought of that one?!

Frank was pretty taken with this one, him being a neat freak and all. Our garden will be so tidy now. Gotta love that. (I particularly like that you can hide the hose with the flowering lid. Nifty)

I can't shuffle cards to save my life (makes for very boring games of UNO), so here's another useful invention...

Frank's in line for this gorgeous personalised alarm clock - ooh yeah!

I can now be as lazy as I like with this one:

And for all of you completely lacking in imagination, and unable to stick a bottle of sauce upside down in a glass (or even the fridge door, for goodness sake!), I have a super deal for you. Plastic moulded to meet your need for just $6.90. Who cares that we've filled the whole earth with plastic - you need this one, I'm sure.

Here in Australia we've moved past winter (at last!) and are enjoying sunny, warm, delicious days. At least they're delicious in Tasmania - it sounds like they are a little too hot in other parts of the country. Whichever, we won't be needing any snugly blankets any time soon, but in the northern hemisphere I'm sure you could put this one to good use - and look stylish at the same time as keeping toasty warm.

The final item I have carefully selected for you this evening is this pièce de résistance. An entertainers dream, this buffet warmer will keep your whole Christmas dinner warm. Or that cooked breakfast for the entire family. Or even a whole week's supply of food, if you live on your own. Your cooking will be transformed by this modern marvel of the kitchen world. Buy it today and find freedom.

What a load of crap. I look at all this and cringe for the environment. We're just filling up every remaining space with plastic. The world is our rubbish dump.

Excuse me please while I go and throw all these junky catalogues in the (recycling) bin!