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Monday, April 30, 2007

transformation

Sometimes I bristle my way through life, overreacting to anything and everything, immediately jumping to my own defence, cutting a swath through anyone who dares to disagree with my most excellent opinions.

It is not pretty. I am not proud of it. But still I bristle.

I've been on a bristling bender for a few days now. Venomous spleen spilling from my mouth, indignation and deprecation twisting my lips. All because I'm not getting the recognition I think I deserve.

It's got to the point that the filth and crustiness building up around my heart is spreading gloom across my outlook and robbing me of joy. I feel shrivelled and suffocated by the darkness within.

Yesterday I railed against the machine. This morning I (finally) started praying about it.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
So my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?


Yes, my soul longs for God.
For his beauty, clarity and purity.
For his washing.
For his enveloping love.

And then I met him. In a counselling and psychotherapy text no less! God's voice jumped out of the pages and shook me from my dastardly self absorption and shallow introspection.

"A we-consciousness reduces perceived threats and enhances self-esteem."

That's the key! Stop thinking about myself. Become increasingly conscious of those around me. Be willing to contribute to others.

I'm feeling calmer about the present situation, more aware of what is ticking me off, more in control of my response. I'm bound to slip up again. That's the nature of the beast! Knowing that doesn't dampen the delight in my heart. I called out to God, begged him to water my crusty soul, and in his infinite mercy he gently sprinkled down his love and grace to transform my ugliness.

So how is my heart now?

Like new, pink skin growing across a recent wound. Fragile, tender, fresh.

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4 Comments:

At 1:50 am, May 01, 2007, Blogger Cherie said...

Yesterday my son and I were talking about such things as you describe here - about how we humans care so much about what others think of us, about attention.

He told me that his tutor at college told him something he'd learned from somewhere long ago: The mirror kills.

Sure does, doesn't it.

 
At 1:07 pm, May 01, 2007, Anonymous Leah said...

Beautiful, Cecily. Thank you for being real with us. We all struggle with our junk and how we want to be and how God reaches into our lives with what I like to call "fistfuls of grace" and transforms us.

Thank you for sharing your journey.

 
At 6:52 am, May 02, 2007, Blogger Lucidiocy said...

C~

I am dealing with very similiar feelings and circumstances, but I just read this, an excerpt from the book, "God is in the Hard Stuff" and it really encouraged me:

Patience: Staying calm without complaining when the need is urgent but the solution is not yeat a reality. The problem with patience is that it is only developed in desperate times.

Edurance: The ability to bear prolonged pain or hardship. You enjoy prosperity; adversity must be endured. Thus, the precedent to endurance is tragedy and misfortune,

Forgiveness: Graciously excusing an offense commited against us. If everyone is always nice and polite to you, then you'll have no chance to forgive. Your only chance at developing forgiveness is to take a few harsh, undeserved shots from others.

Integrity: Sticking to your moral principles even when it means you will suffer unjust adverse circumstances. There is no ethical dilemma if there is no downside. Integrity is forged only in the furnace of criticism and consequences.

Honesty: Being truthful when it is the difficult and and unpopular thing to do. Honesty comes naturally if praise and rewards are involved. But you develop honesty only in these tough times when it wuld be easier to avoid the truth.

Thanks for your honesty Cecily, your willingness to share your introspection always lifts my heart.

Warmly,

Tamar

 
At 9:39 pm, May 02, 2007, Blogger Cecily said...

Thankyou all for your kind comments.

Cherie... I am planning to come and read your abbey post! Have quickly perused it, but need to come and read slowly and meaningfully. Just don't have the headspace right now.

Leah. Yay, I'm not alone! I like that we found each others blogs. :)

Tamar, how come I forget all this stuff?! I know it. I know life isn't meant to be easy, that I learn in the difficulties. But then when the difficulties come instead of working on character development I throw a little tantie! Thankyou so much for the quote and the reminder. I needed it.

 

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