Sunday, April 11, 2010

it is possible i am a big fraud

I was talking to a friend last night.

She would like a husband.
I have a husband and would like a child.

We compared notes on our tendency to miss the goodness in the now through longing for what we don't have. What a waste of all the richness! We encouraged each other to grab hold of the moment, live in the now and make the most of what we do have - because it is good.

I've been thinking about this for a while. Not that I spend every minute of every day wishing I was having a baby (although sometimes I come close), but I think about how I am living my life. It is an interesting thing, resigning from one of my positions and being at a bit of a loose end while I wait for the next door to open. I have time to do all the things I have longed to do for years, and yet I still have not done them. (In truth, some days seem even busier than when I was working, so it is not just that I am becoming a lazy slob)

Could it be that I do not live in the moment? I have a phantom, fantasy life in which I imagine myself doing all sorts of wonderful things, but I don't put in the effort to make them happen?

I am part of a group here called 'Micah Action Group - MAG'. We are supposed to be about action. Doing something to fight global poverty and promote progress towards the millennium development goals (MDGs). I might have joined the group, but I still haven't done anything concrete to bring about that change.

I like knitting. I love knitting. I spend hours on ravelry searching for patterns, drooling over other people's projects, looking for yarn... if I put that time into actually doing the knitting, I would have finished a hundred garments by now.

I sometimes wonder about writing more. Even just an essay or two would be good. I barely put pen to paper.

I dream of a vegetable patch to die for. Occasionally I set foot out there and plant a few seeds, water every now and then, read a gardening book. A few vegies grow, but diseases take over while I stand by envisioning a lush patch of ground.

The list could go on. A lot of the time I don't make the most of the minutes I have. Not working in formal, paid work leaves a lot of space for time wasting.

So here is my plan. To capture those minutes not spent at work and turn them into something wonderful and productive. Instead of just dreaming about doing things. I've written my list for tomorrow already.

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At 2:38 pm, April 12, 2010, Anonymous 2paw said...

Is there anyone who doesn't feel like this?? That they are spending so much time on the unreachable big things that they miss the small and wonderful of everyday life?
Looking forward to your list.
When I first became ill it was a shock, but I didn't have an epiphany, though I thought there should have been one!! Now I like to take time to do what I want and like. Endless reading on the couch, napping, or knitting or whatever. Life is too short to deny yourself, or to waste. It's a tricky balance.


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