i'm still dying here

I realised this evening just how much I am still hurting and hating after wounds inflicted. A full year on and I remain mid-process in the forgiving, accepting, loving stakes. It has been a difficult time. I feel like I am on someone's altar, somewhere, being sacrificed for some greater good I cannot understand. I'm squirming, trying to free myself, fighting against whatever is about to happen, but I don't even know what that is.

Some of the truths guiding me through are these:

Hostis, a Latin word from which we derive 'hostile', meaning not hospitable, relating to an enemy, marked by malevolence. Hospis, a Latin word closely linked to hospitality. If I follow Jesus, I am called to hospitality, not hostility. Can I rise above my feelings to choose the better way of hospitality, generosity, kindness?

I look around and see people climbing over one another in an effort to reach the top. Revenge is a norm. Do good only if you expect a return on the giving. Look out for yourself - noone else will. Jesus calls me to a different way of living, one in which love is all and in all, where kindness is key. Denying myself is central to this way of being. Others first.

I wasn't imagining it. I am on the altar - not in a way that sees me lose myself, but in a way that will bring new life... it is too lofty to imagine I am like Jesus, but somehow, mysteriously, by giving his life he gained life. Perhaps by giving up myself, my defenses, my endless need to explain myself and justify my pain, I might find the key to the transformation of this ball of darkness rolling around within me. This is my prayer for today.