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Thursday, February 07, 2008

winded

I shouldn't be surprised - that's how life goes. Someone even captured it in a silly little ditty:

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Mary with a baby's carriage.

Or: first comes love, then comes shacking up, now here's Myrtle with a baby's carriage.

Or: first a one night stand, then a baby's carriage plus a whole parcel of accompanying dilemmas.

Whichever the route, male and female match ups frequently result in children. This is not news. It is not shocking.

But still, I was shocked. So shocked I felt winded. As if I had been punched in the stomach.

Friends unwittingly informed me of three pregnancies in three sentences. And why wouldn't they inform me? How could they possibly be aware of my secret pain when I was barely aware of it myself. I had no idea how I would be affected by the unexpected news. They might even have thought my lack of immediate response could be attributed to concentrating on driving rather than sitting in stunned silence.

I thought I was doing alright with the whole 'we can't have children right now' thing - I've been working on a positive attitude and sometimes I can sense circumstances changing sufficiently that children might happen for us too.

But I was completely unprepared, and I am not alright, and my head is spinning and I feel my world has crumpled a little and I want to cry because my situation seems hopeless while others remain blissfully unaware of the inordinate blessing of being able to conceive without difficulty, because as the ditty says, it just happens.

I'll catch my breath and stop feeling sorry for myself soon. I'll remember the incredible blessings that shower my life. I'll find strength to choose to appreciate the beautiful moments without mourning the empty space where a child might sit.


Just breath Cecily, breath. In... and out... in... and out...

Catch your breath honey, it will be alright.

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11 Comments:

At 11:30 pm, February 07, 2008, Anonymous paige said...

Cecily.
I'm so sorry. I know that exact feeling you're talking about. And I'm so, so sorry.

You will be able to happy and appropriately supportive. But it will take some extra work... and for me? Those moments of having pangs and jealousy pop up at the oddest times.

Hang in there.

 
At 11:24 am, February 08, 2008, Blogger Robyn said...

I love you and I'm praying for you. Wish I could give you a hug.

 
At 1:57 pm, February 08, 2008, Blogger Deanna said...

This sounds so hard, Cecily. And so natural to experience these feelings. I appreciate you sharing and also wish I could give a hug.

 
At 3:37 am, February 09, 2008, Blogger Mike S said...

A trite comment from an Old Indian (& SWMBO) who was adopted by whites and went on to help rear 16 'foster teens with problems'(after rearing our 'own brood'): It may seem hopeless, but perhaps God had a different path down which She wanted you folks to channel your love. So many needy kids and so few adults willing or able to step up and help them grow. Sharing your love with ANY child is a remarkably rewarding experience. You seem to have a heart overflowing with it, spread it generously:)

 
At 5:32 am, February 09, 2008, Blogger Cherie said...

Hugs and good thoughts to you, Cecily. Thank you for sharing such a hard place with us. My sister and my niece have suffered as you do so I know what your pain looks like. Happily, they have made it through - just as you will. One caught breath at a time.

 
At 2:15 pm, February 09, 2008, Blogger Angela said...

oh cecily, i'm so sorry.

 
At 10:49 pm, February 09, 2008, Blogger mountainmama said...

Cecily...

"...others remain blissfully unaware of the inordinate blessing of being able to conceive without difficulty..." That always seemed so incredibly unfair to me, especially when I saw stories of child abuse or heard some mother rail against her child in the street, let alone watched the casual ease with which some people popped out offspring after offspring. Remembering that Life never claimed to be fair is small comfort, but it sometimes helped. Feel sorry for yourself for a little while...it's okay. You're entitled.

I was lucky in the end - you've seen my miracle boy, and he is a gift. But I knew, as I'm sure that you do, that even if he hadn't come along I would have found some way to share the love inside me. As will you.

 
At 6:35 pm, February 10, 2008, Blogger Cecily said...

Thankyou so much for all your kind thoughts, comments and emails. I feel very cared for!

This is not a new place for Frank and myself, only the first time I've written about it here. We are working it through, cherishing what we have, considering ways we can share the love and blessings we possess... as well as attempting to be real about the difficulties. Life is still good, there is just some, I don't know, 'bitterness' in there... like a bitter lime or bitter-sweet thing. This is life. We do the best with what we are given.

 
At 10:56 am, February 11, 2008, Blogger Heather said...

Sorry. I don't know what else to say but that. I guess we all have our buried pain.

 
At 12:37 pm, February 11, 2008, Blogger Accidental Poet said...

Hi, I'm Heather's SIL, mom to 2 adopted kids - I used to say, over and over again, until I almost believed it - "God knows what I want, but He also knows what I need, and that HAS to be enough."

And it was, and it is.

 
At 6:20 pm, March 08, 2008, Anonymous Leah said...

I'm so very sorry, Cecily! I have some dear friends who have struggled mightily with infertility. It seems so unfair - when there are also so many "unwanted pregnancies" - even the fact that they are so ubiquitous that we could even choose the term unwanted seems so callous. Dave and I were the crazy lucky ones who conceived without any concern. I actually have the opposite fear now of getting pregnant - I'm done with pregnancy and newborns. I cherish my two little boys with the fierce love of a mother bear, but I don't look to add to our brood. I wish I could spread the fertility to those who wanted it, who would cherish it. I feel guilty not wanting more children when many wish so desperately for just one.

All this to say, I am so sorry. I have sat with and listened to many a friend as we cried together over the injustice of it all. It's such a complex issue, with uncomfortable spiritual undertones as well.

You are in my prayers. I know it puts stress on a marriage as well.

Be gentle with yourself and each other.

~Leah
my pink toes

 

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