use it or lose it
We had a small gathering at our house today, in which I was an MC of sorts. The event was low key and ran smoothly, but I didn't feel comfortable in the MC role.
I'm not really sure what's going on there. I used to lead services at church, sang in front of congregations all the time and did so much public speaking I didn't suffer from nerves very much. (Although I did seem to have an adrenalin rush after the event, shaking for half an hour or so) It feels strange to be so lacking in confidence in front of seven people.
This isn't the only time it has happened. In other small groups I've felt out of place and unpractised, and when presenting at work training I have lacked boldness in my presentation.
Perhaps it's a case of 'use it or lose it'... I haven't been using it so I'm losing it.
I suppose it's possible that something else entirely is going on. When I speak publicly in front of a large group I tend to get into character - not that I'm faking it, but I steel myself for the event, run over in my mind what I want to say, and get my head into a particular space. In a small group I just go with the flow. No special head space, no character, just pure, unadulterated Cecily. Maybe the public persona carried me through, and I need to find it again... I'm certainly missing my previous levels of confidence.
(Hopefully I find them quickly. I think I'm leading the community singing at a nearby carols event in a few weeks!)