is that a black dog i see?
What's that joke? The one about plumbers and painters and tree surgeons having the worst plumbing, paintwork and trees in the street? Oh, it isn't a joke - it's the truth of it.
Well, I'm the counsellor who doesn't follow her own advice. Actually, that's not quite true because a) I wouldn't call myself a counsellor, and b) counsellors don't give advice. I have, however, dished out a good idea or two in my time: write a journal, breathe deeply, be true to yourself, all of which I have steadily ignored in the last little while.
I'm not sure when I started pretending everything was OK. Possibly in that new job, the one where no one knew me or wanted to know me as myself. Perhaps when everyone else's joy shimmered, and my pain seemed a dark blot in their golden moment. Maybe because I felt ashamed of what I didn't have and couldn't possibly achieve. It certainly wasn't a deliberate choice, just something that snuck up on me.
No matter the cause, the pain and sadness and hurt surrounds me now, and I realise I may be experiencing a visit from the black dog. No motivation, no energy, no interest - signs I've seen a thousand times in others before dishing out my good ideas.
The black dog has visited me before. With the support of friends I beat it then, and I plan to beat it now too. Which is why I got up and went for a walk at 6am today. (If I can commit to blogging every day for a month I reckon I can walk each day too) I've even been letting myself cry (shock horror) and I started writing a journal again.
My circumstances may never change, but I'm pretty sure I can live better within them and enjoy life still. That's the plan at least!
Labels: nablopomo 10