Tuesday, November 02, 2010

is that a black dog i see?

What's that joke? The one about plumbers and painters and tree surgeons having the worst plumbing, paintwork and trees in the street? Oh, it isn't a joke - it's the truth of it.

Well, I'm the counsellor who doesn't follow her own advice. Actually, that's not quite true because a) I wouldn't call myself a counsellor, and b) counsellors don't give advice. I have, however, dished out a good idea or two in my time: write a journal, breathe deeply, be true to yourself, all of which I have steadily ignored in the last little while.

I'm not sure when I started pretending everything was OK. Possibly in that new job, the one where no one knew me or wanted to know me as myself. Perhaps when everyone else's joy shimmered, and my pain seemed a dark blot in their golden moment. Maybe because I felt ashamed of what I didn't have and couldn't possibly achieve. It certainly wasn't a deliberate choice, just something that snuck up on me.

No matter the cause, the pain and sadness and hurt surrounds me now, and I realise I may be experiencing a visit from the black dog. No motivation, no energy, no interest - signs I've seen a thousand times in others before dishing out my good ideas.

The black dog has visited me before. With the support of friends I beat it then, and I plan to beat it now too. Which is why I got up and went for a walk at 6am today. (If I can commit to blogging every day for a month I reckon I can walk each day too) I've even been letting myself cry (shock horror) and I started writing a journal again.

My circumstances may never change, but I'm pretty sure I can live better within them and enjoy life still. That's the plan at least!



At 5:36 pm, November 02, 2010, Anonymous 2paw said...

I am sad to read you are being dogged again. I hope that you enjoyed your walk this morning. We went this afternoon!!

At 5:37 pm, November 02, 2010, Blogger cecily said...

Thanks Cindy :-)

The morning walk was beautiful, sun just peaking over the mountains and low lying cloud nearby.

Sometimes life just catches up with me, and if I chooses to ignore it, that's what happens I guess. I'll get there.

At 6:31 pm, November 02, 2010, Blogger Robyn said...

You keep looking after yourself and I'll keep praying. Thank you for talking this morning. Missyou!

At 6:46 am, November 03, 2010, Anonymous deanna said...

Hey, Cecily, I think when you can write about these issues as you're working on them, it's a gift to others. We all need to hear we're not alone.

So glad your morning walk was nice.

At 11:45 am, November 03, 2010, Blogger Sandy's Notes said...

I agree with deanna, your writing humanizes you. People like it when they see part of themselves in the person that writes as beautifully as you do. I have found that we always find what we need, but sometimes it's not what we've been asking for. Peace to you friend.

P.S. Come to Connecticut we'll go for hikes in the cold!

At 12:23 pm, November 03, 2010, Blogger Cherie said...

My thoughts run along the lines of Deanna's and Sandy's that if you are confronting the dog, beginning to care for yourself again (i.e. journaling, walking, talking about it) you are probably headed upward into the sunshine again. The black dog will shoo.

Perhaps the changing seasons will help you, as well. The summer always perks me up - eventually.

At any rate, the dog is real. It haunts many of us. It's unpleasant, to say the least. And you are not alone. Have cheer, friend, this too will pass.


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