time to face the music

The arrival of a nasty, thick envelope from my employer this morning has brought me back to earth with a gigantic post-holiday thud. All the tension and stress that eased away in Europe returned full force and once again my jaw is clenched, my stomach tight and my pulse visibly thumping in my chest.

Not that it was entirely unexpected. Before we left for London I confronted a clinical issue in rather a spectacular way - well, spectacular for small town Tasmania at least. I wrote to a number of senior staff requesting they review a matter of concern to me. Today's envelope contained the preliminary results of their investigation. The results too are unsurprising, since conversations prior to my departure indicated there would be twisting and rearrangement of statements and events to present circumstances in an altogether different light from reality.

I worked hard at not thinking about this situation while we were away, not wanting to mar our relaxation and pleasure. Now I cannot avoid it, having been given one week to respond and a suggestion I might see a counsellor at my employer's expense if needed.

I don't need it. I feel quite strong. It is easy to lose a sense of reality in these situations, and I keep asking myself if I did the wrong thing, overreacted, forgot grace, dishonoured God. Perhaps I did forget grace, but when I remember why I took this course I keep reaching the same conclusion - I would do it again.

I haven't read the letters yet, I am fairly sure I know a lot of what they will say already, which is why I wrote in the first place. But when I do read them I know how I will respond - with the truth; with my perspective; perhaps even with an acknowledgement that I could have been more gracious. The outcome does not bother me too much - I have left that workplace. I am also learning to trust my judgements and my version of events. What was happening was worth confronting and I have done nothing wrong in saying so.

In the meantime I need to find a way to contain my stress and hijack the auto circuit my brain keeps tracking through!

(raising her glass in a toast) 'To sleep!'