Friday, June 27, 2008

time to face the music

The arrival of a nasty, thick envelope from my employer this morning has brought me back to earth with a gigantic post-holiday thud. All the tension and stress that eased away in Europe returned full force and once again my jaw is clenched, my stomach tight and my pulse visibly thumping in my chest.

Not that it was entirely unexpected. Before we left for London I confronted a clinical issue in rather a spectacular way - well, spectacular for small town Tasmania at least. I wrote to a number of senior staff requesting they review a matter of concern to me. Today's envelope contained the preliminary results of their investigation. The results too are unsurprising, since conversations prior to my departure indicated there would be twisting and rearrangement of statements and events to present circumstances in an altogether different light from reality.

I worked hard at not thinking about this situation while we were away, not wanting to mar our relaxation and pleasure. Now I cannot avoid it, having been given one week to respond and a suggestion I might see a counsellor at my employer's expense if needed.

I don't need it. I feel quite strong. It is easy to lose a sense of reality in these situations, and I keep asking myself if I did the wrong thing, overreacted, forgot grace, dishonoured God. Perhaps I did forget grace, but when I remember why I took this course I keep reaching the same conclusion - I would do it again.

I haven't read the letters yet, I am fairly sure I know a lot of what they will say already, which is why I wrote in the first place. But when I do read them I know how I will respond - with the truth; with my perspective; perhaps even with an acknowledgement that I could have been more gracious. The outcome does not bother me too much - I have left that workplace. I am also learning to trust my judgements and my version of events. What was happening was worth confronting and I have done nothing wrong in saying so.

In the meantime I need to find a way to contain my stress and hijack the auto circuit my brain keeps tracking through!

(raising her glass in a toast) 'To sleep!'

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At 12:29 am, June 28, 2008, Blogger Deanna said...

You had to say what you did, or you wouldn't have. Your sensible manner in turning things over in your mind shines through. I hope someone there sees it, but it's always hard for each of us to step out of our little perspective. Good going. Stay warm, now. Take plenty of vitamins!

(I can't act like a great advice-dispenser; I'm just recovering from a summer cold. Sniff.)

At 10:13 am, July 02, 2008, Blogger Sandy's Notes said...

Standing tall in what you believe to be right is courageous; very tough though. I admire people that can stand their ground when they know they're right. Sometimes it can get lonely and the truth can end up getting distorted.

I guess I cannot give advise either, other than saying your smart and sensible, I'm sure you'll do what's best.

At 7:45 am, July 04, 2008, Blogger Sandy's Notes said...

Cecily, it's July 3rd and I'm wondering if they tar and feathered you. Are you okay?

At 9:45 pm, July 04, 2008, Blogger Cecily said...

I'm still alive! Not tarred and feathered yet, but that may come. I just put in my response today and we'll see where it goes from there. I haven't really done anything wrong, but they may name and shame me... they do that where I work.


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