another ugly betty moment

I was starting to get a bit tired of Ugly Betty. It filled in a pleasant enough hour but it was predictable. It stopped touching my heart and I began to contemplate giving it up - of what benefit was watching it?

And then I cried. Again.
Caught unawares. Again.

It all started when Nico stood in the cavernous foyer of the Mode building, protesting against fur in fashion. Enter Wilhelmine wearing nothing but a fur coat, her winning words leaving Nico deflated and humiliated. It was a classic case of dysfunction - two people loving each other but with no clue as to how to express their love.

It struck too close to home, and the tears trickled freely down my face. Again. Frank did his best to cheer me in the ad (I'm sworn to secrecy on his methods - it included singing) but I couldn't brush off the spectre of the past hovering over me.

I liken my family to a giant onion - in the very centre is the love we hold for each other. The love is real, but it's buried beneath multiple layers of faulty communication - terse words, denigration, argument, manipulation. We don't know how to express our love because if we ever knew how to communicate in a healthy way, we've certainly forgotten now. I stumble and trip over the words "I love you", instead resorting to time worn patterns of blame and resignation.

So when Wilhelmine and Nico collapsed into a heap of recriminations and anger, I understood exactly where they were coming from, and their pain was my pain.

One day I hope to peel back the layers of the onion and find the love we hold in our hearts for each other. One day I hope to say "I love you" to each member of my family without feeling self-conscious and false. One conversation at a time. One layer at a time. I will get there.