windy city

Warning: This post discusses bodily functions in a very nurse like manner (ie professional, detached, as if discussing the weather). Do not proceed further if you have any kind of polite sensibilities. You will be offended, and I will not be liable, as this warning absolves me of any responsibility.

I've been thinking about wind quite a bit lately. Not the wind that blows icicles across the Southern Ocean or chills from the snow capped mountains - wind from the back passage (as surgeons sometimes delightfully describe it). Farting.

Everyone does it. On average fourteen times a day. (I must ask - how do you compare to the average? I dare you to count!)

If we all do it, many times a day why are we embarrassed about this? Why do we try to hide it? Pretend we don't do it in public? (I'm ignoring the jocks who think it's hilarious to pass wind at close quarters) Or is that just women? We don't want it to be known that we engage in this kind of activity? Come on people, even the Queen farts! She must - 14 times a day remember!

Now here is my dilemma. We all do it, but we all feel socially restrained and try and hide it in public. (I'm remembering a hilarious nurse fart story, but maybe later...) Let's get personal. I do it, but I try and hide it in public.

Winter is making me concerned about how hidden my farts really are!

Consider this. On a cold, cold morning, as you breathe through your mouth, you see the steam of your breathe. As a car drives past, the warm exhaust fumes form a visible cloud as they escape the exhaust pipe. Hot air is visible when the atmosphere is cold.

Does this mean my farts are visible, trailing out behind me as I walk to work? (We all do it! No sniggering!)

My work trousers are thin. Tasmania is cold in winter, but not freezing, so I don't need a full length coat to scurry from one place to another... are my farts visible to those who pass by me? Does the warm air escape the trousers and turn to steam as easily as the cold air whips through them?

Scary thought. I'm working at reducing my fart average to two... just in case.