Sunday, May 13, 2007

meeting god


You can't quite pin it down, no matter how hard you try. It slips and slides away, a tangle of slimy plastic that cannot reconciled by knife and fork.

So, also, is my head. Spaghetti head.

I can't quite pin them down, no matter how hard I try. Those thoughts and feelings slip and slide away, a tangle of loose threads whose ends never quite meet up. As I track along the length of one notion, I lose it in the cauldron of seething emotions that bubbles inside my head: Angry, broken. Self righteous, penitent. Forgiving, furious, vindictive, loving... swirling, lunging, ducking, diving, in and out and around each other.

What exactly do I feel? Where is clarity? Which words express my thoughts precisely? Would a tantrum be acceptable? No? What would you suggest is appropriate behaviour then? If I must behave, why must not everyone else also behave? Is there no standard? Are we all drifting in an inexplicable fog?

How do I fit fractured relations into a soul designed for love and wholeness? Their shapes will not be reconciled. Must I forever live with pain, the haunting loss, the grief over what will never be?

What about truth? How do I explain when people of truth tell lies? Must I accept their slur or should I expose their deceit? Should I allow my indignation to fade away, declining to seek vindication for myself and those I love? Or am I justified in pursuing truth, forcing it from their lips for the sake of a principle? Is the principle even important or should I let it rest?

And what of unfulfilled desires? My dreams? Am I simply selfish if I cling to them or can I lean on people to make them happen? Should I lay them down in the dust and walk away, or remain strong in my hope? Can I remain strong in the face of continual disappointment?

Spaghetti. So many thoughts and emotions slipping and sliding across each another.

And yet God speaks.

In a soaring bird. "Cecily, see it does not only soar. Sometimes it must also flap its wings to stay aloft. Right now you too must flap your wings as you chase your thoughts and seek out clarity. That is not bad. Ride it out. This time will pass and you will soar effortlessly once more. And while you wildly flap your wings, I will keep you airborne. You will not fall." Ah, thankyou God. You are my assurance.

In a caring friend. Cecily, I am going to pray 4 u today for some clarity + peace of mind. God will help you. "See, God whispers, I am with you in the thoughts and prayers of your friend. I have not forgotten you." Thankyou God. You are my comfort.

In a book. "Prayer helps correct my myopia, calling to mind a perspective I daily forget. I keep reversing roles, thinking of ways in which God should serve me, rather than vice versa... Prayer raises my sight beyond the petty... Prayer allows me to admit my failures, weaknesses, and limitations to One who responds to human vulnerability with infinite mercy." (Prayer, Philip Yancy) "Look up Cecily, look up to me. You do not need to know all the answers, you do not need to sort every thought and feeling into a catalogued system of understanding. I understand. I know where every thought and feeling fits. I know you. I love you." God... You accept me with all my frailty and failings? You take me as I am? You're big enough to handle all your business and mine? My business IS your business? Incredible, I breathe, Thankyou God for your greatness coupled with compassion.

Yes, God is good. Lifting my eyes from the spaghetti, I see him. And he is all clarity and beauty.

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At 1:02 pm, May 14, 2007, Anonymous Sandy said...

Your words are like a song only I cannot hear the music. I have no words for this post except well done!

At 12:07 pm, May 16, 2007, Anonymous Leah said...

Beautifully said, Cecily. Thank you for sharing this.


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